...who's boyfriend has cancer #3

Mood swings, childish tantrums and other fun side-effects of chemo...

 

 

It's been a while - nearly two months - since I last blogged and for Louise and Jackson, it's been a pretty horrendous time.

 

Jackson's been pretty bad lately. The last two sessions of chemo were upped so he has been violently ill throughout his five day hospital stay and then bed bound for the next week or so. Seven months in and the viciousness of his sickness and the means of beating it has started to creak into his everyday attitude. And this has resulted into several more side effects leaking out.

 

• Aggressiveness and mood swings: When I say aggressive its more as he is shouting and such. I understand that it must be so frustrating to have to ask for help when doing things you should be able to do. i.e. shower. But when he shouts at Louise her timescale of brushing it off as "harmless chemoffects" is getting longer...
 
• Tantrums: Also stems from his limited choice and suffocation of assistance. He "wants to be listened too", yet as a 24 year old male - doesn't understand that what he wants, and what is the best thing for him are two separate things. And things that are sometimes going to clash.
 
• The Giving Up Factor: A friend of my fathers who died of throat cancer last year was said to have given up once he was diagnosed. And recently Jackson has showing classic signs of this. He has missed several MIR scans, hasn't gotten out of bed nor had the want to talk. This was so bad last week the Lou had to call his mum and get her to come up just so she could get him to have a shower. 

 

 At 23, it seems we're all being shoved into a world that is not meant for our eyes. It's like knowing something all our friends cannot physically or mentally understand - showing a child that it is only their father in the Santa costume...and considering in March this relationship was merely causally sweet and chirper, Louise has suddenly lost herself in HELL. In a way, her family, our friends and his friends have too. 

 

And yet; I am so unbelievably proud of her. Louise is the most strong-willed and powerful force I know. Seven months on and [hopefully] five more left... and if anyone can handle this hell - there is no doubt it's her. 

 

One day I hopw to show her this blogged calender and we will share the horrors and understand that because of this horrendous year we can appreciate life more so. That she became strong and able a f***ing amazing role model.

...just found out her boyfriend has cancer #2

Help, I've been Quarantined!

So, I’ve been banned from visiting or seeing Louise for a while. Or, more precisely, I have self-decided to quarantine myself from her as I have been struck down with a flimsy common cold. And it sucks.

We had so many things planned for this week as it is Week One of Jackson’s three weeks out of hospital regime. Week one is usually spent in bed, too exhausted from his chemo to move. Followed my Week Two and Week Three where he is more able and willing to do things.

But, and admittedly I did not know this, but people undergoing chemotherapy have no immune system and thus cannot risk getting sick, even a slight cold. It makes sense of course, in a “if I had actually thought about it then yeah obviously” kind of way. So it means that I had to cancel all our plans to stop Louise catching it and then passing it on.

This makes me unhappy and a wee bit nervous. I have thus realised I know absolutely nothing about cancer and its treatments - or about colds and theirs. It's not severe, more like a slight irritation in the throat, but how long am I going to be infectable for?

So my week is to be spent researching the answers, miserable that I have a new game I cannot play [waiting for Louise] and a million things we have to put on hold until we're both free. If anything it makes me realise just how significant all these insignificant things in life actually are.

If anyone knows anything about this, advice would be well appreciated.

Nikki

...just found out her boyfriend has Cancer

In my life there have only ever been two friends that I have both admired and envied simultaneously. Both hold an incredible strength that I doubt I could ever achieve. I could never face such hardship with a chin raised so high and think the are both utterly amazing people. True inspiration to anyone.

The first one is Hannah* who last year saw her husband of SIX WEEKS die in a horrific crash where a lorry driver ploughed into their car. Hannah not only had to make the decision to turn off his life support but also had to deal with being freshly pregnant and raising a one year old daughter.

The next friend is Louise*, who told me two months ago that her on/off boyfriend of four years had cancer. And as she faces a year of driving him to hospital appointments, taking him to chemo and working long hours then spending the rest of her time taking care of him; I am faced with the utter hopelessness of being just a friend of a friend.


Me and Jackson* are not friends. I do not approve for reasons I will not get into, yet never would I have wished this hell upon him nor anyone else. But I have to delve into the reality where I very rarely see Louise, rarer still go on our regular nights out or crazy back packing adventures. Understandable but still a little difficult to get used to.

Overall, as Louise has put her entire life on hold – in a way so have I. Back in January we had a lot of plans for the upcoming year: get a house together, go travelling, visit Rome and other European places and set up a small but hugely successful business etc etc etc…

And as frustration flushes through me, it is immediately followed by guilt and leaves me wondering what I'm meant to feel. I’m no relation to Jackson - I haven’t seen him for nearly a year because of our clashing personalities. But that doesn’t mean I don't worry about him. I do. Constantly.

But I also worry for Louise. At 23 can she handle this planetary burden? How can I explain without hurting her feelings that she needs to think about herself too? At this moment in time she is sacrificing her whole future because she hasn't  been studying her last weeks in school...

I want to help. Of course helping would be either curing cancer - which I am not smart enough for, giving them money to cope with their financial hardships - which I am not rich enough for, or just being right here, ready when she needs to talk. 

I told her the day she told me, a simple statement that sees me (and hopefully her through). 

"You have to be his walking stick, that constant stronghold that is there whenever he reaches for assistance. But I promise you, from this moment on - I will be yours"

And I mean it.

Nikki