...is the EX #2

When is it okay to cull an ex from Facebook?

Usually straight away, though it is highly dependant upon how that little “ex” appeared in front of the “girlfriend/boyfriend” title. For one friend, it was an automatic delete-and-block moment after she found out about some unfaithful behaviour. Another, after the relationship ended like a candle burning itself out, is still very good friends with her ex.

Then there is me and Darrell. Okay we weren’t in an official relationship, he never met my parents or friends nor I his and yet we spoke every day for a whole year and spent “dates” in his room. A fling for lack of better word, though I’d be lying if I said I didn't want something more.

And then he got back with an ex - which he never had the balls to tell me. Period.  [This is covered in the last post].

So 8 months have gone now and I want to cull him from my life. To move forward without a constant reminder that he’s with the one who broke the heart I spent the last year rebuilding for him. But would culling make me look bad and bitter?

Okay admittedly I sometimes still FB stalk him. Though I've gotten better with only a monthly check up. And quite recently discovered it is still painful to see him with her. The betrayal - because that is what it is - of our friendship if not our relationship is painful.

If our friendship meant not even a message to tell me he was seeing this girl, when should I bother taking the high road? 

Should any of us bother with fake pretences?

...is dealing with grief* #2

Because I couldn't have said it better myself:

This poem was read for my grandfather at his funeral, spoken my his best friend amidst floods of tears. I have no idea who wrote it, where he got it or it's reasoning for existing. But this sums up my grandfather so precisely, its almost like it was written about him. This weekend we are spreading his ashes in a place he loved. May he find restful slumber.

"Qualities of Greatness”

Great men are rare, their passing then
Is mourned alit, by gods and men.
A man is great, not by wealth or high birth,
But my character and sterling worth.

A man of principles so high,

That none can bully, none can buy.
A man who holds as bond his word,
Who dare be different from the herd.

A man who sees his duty clear,

Is ruled by justice, not by fear.
Who for the poor is quick to fight,
Does only what he thinks is right.

Who has a sense of humour too

Is greatly loved by all he knew.
Who is not afraid to be
Always himself – a man is he.

*this is about me not a friend.

...has developed New Boyfriend Sydrome #2

Cracking Pet Peeves – Or not cracking under the pressure of Pet Peeves.

Admittedly I surrender myself to two pet peeves; traits that hinder my usually calm, collective natural practically useless. And sadly one friend harbours both and every time we meet it’s like tackling my own private Everest. [Or at least one of many I deal with everyday]. Cue Laura*

Pet Peeve No. 1 = Lateness. In my whole life the longest I have been late for a meeting of any kind is roughly ten minutes and that was always due to things out of my control. Act's of god or public transport. Etc.

Tonight I waited an extra 57 minutes for Laura to cometh around for some little things I needed to give her. And during those fifty seven minutes I sat down, got up and walked around, fed the pets and typed a chapter of randomness and whilst growing angrier and angrier until I felt like breaking something. Or ranting - which is my new self harming method.

Verdict: if you are going to be late. Let people know!

Pet Peeve No. 2 = Text conversations during dates. I.e. Laura does this all the time. We can arrange a meeting - and as I said in the last Laura post - they are few and far between nowadays, she'll recieve a text and BAM. Cyber date between her and her boyfriend and I am left feeling like the third wheel. In. My. Own. Home!

One text for politeness is dandy. Fourteen in the space of an hour - just leave and get a bleeding room!

I am still very green about dealing with pet peeves. I guess it helps that I've known Laura for fourteen years so I know her pretty well. Mainly I occupy myself with other things and repeat over and over again that there are more important things in life than being angry about someone's personality traits.

You canny change other people. You can only change yourself to cope and move swiftly along.

...is a make up artist #3

Friendship is measured not by sterling worth but by the humiliation you're perpared to endure:

Just a catch up on the Seven Sin make up for Cole. This one was quite frankly my hardest one as I have a little tiny phobia of wasps and bees and hundreds were around these here woods! My TINY fear does result me from going outside to places like this, but I was blackmailed. Blackmailed and semi humiliated as I ventured looking like this through a whole army patrol who were in the same woodland training I may add!

If you go into the woods today you're sure to get a surprise!

Welcome to my neck of the woods

I'm always watching...wanting

  Invidia - Envy

insatiable desire of wanting another person's superior quality, achievement or possession.

Enjoy!

...has weird "Rules for Dating"

How to Survive the first Couple of months in a new relationship. Part One: Second dates. 

As many people meet potential partners in a fleeing moment and pass numbers this passage is about after you've met them. i.e. you've met someone at a party and spent several hours together now its about a date.

Cora* my dear dear friend is loved by me for many reasons. Mostly since we are both singletons and so can go out on the town for some Simple Flirtatious Fun! 

However, as with women everywhere, whenever we meet a guy we are forced to repeat the same old story of "will he call? Won't he call? Should I call him? " .... admit it, every girl I know does this! 

Cora recently met a new man and thus told me her 6 rules for talking to new men: 

1. Can't text/call a guy within 3 days or you will seem desperate. [unless he does first]
2. Can't text/call a guy after 3 days as he will think there is another player involved. 
3. Limit any text message with 1 kiss as not too sound too clingy.
4. All messages/calls should sound flirty and fun, without need for him to reply instantly. 
5. NEVER text drunken messages. Give the phone to friends if need be. 
6. During planning of second dates leave the ball in his court.

Mine are:

1. Text/Call when you think it's necessary. Men are just as scared about sounding desperate so leaving flirty messages that needn't be replied too are key sometimes. Personal favourite "Had fun yesterday, I had a good time thanks". If he replies carry forth.
2. Leaving a text more than 3 days could make him think you're seeing someone else. Be straight and truthful. If there's a reason tell him. Or a little white lie works too. Just make sure you're able to back it up. 
3. I always put 2 kisses [xx] at the end of my messages. To everyone. Most people I know do, so 1 kiss shouldn't strike fear in him. Although this works both ways - if they put hundreds...run! 
4. Open ended textes keep a conversation going. I discovered that if you play about with open textes [one he has to answer] and close messages [something that doesn't need a reply] it helps to know if he's interested in talking to you and what you're saying.
5. Never drunken text. Ever. And if you do apologise in the morning and declare drunken memory loss.
6. Second dates? An embarrassing question for both of you. Don't drop hints about how you'd love to watch this movie or go such a place. Just causally ask it - if not to face by phone "hey, was wondering if you wanted to meet up again sometime soon" . Worst thing he says no and you move on. Think ripping off a band-aid - it will sting, you're stomach will flip and then you'll eat ice cream as girlfriends slate everything about him. 

Please note that this is just how I handle the first couple of meetings with a potential partner and in no way should be yours. It all comes with that horrible thing we call experience and reading between the lines.

If in doubt, ask someone for their opinion! 

...can't have children

When Pitter-Pattering Feet will only ever be ghosts of what could have been...

Picture the Fairy Tale: Little girl grows up, falls in love, gets married and lives happily ever after. Something all little girls dream about - and perhaps for many of us out there - is to live happily ever after whatever that entails for the individual. And for Lena* hers was meant to be to have a family.

She met her Prince five years ago and at 22 was a young but blushing bride. Her parents were divorced but it had never fazed her about getting hitched herself and on her wedding day, I asked her why she was so set on being married now and not using the money on holidays to exotic places and such. “You have a lifetime to get married” I said. And her reply:

“I can’t have kids. And for me this is like announcing how in love we are to the world.”

Lena has Polycystic Ovary Syndrome and was diagnosed a long time ago. It means that it is unlikely she will ever conceive a child naturally. I know there are lots of revenues one can go down such as IVF and adoption, but those things cost time and money. And I don’t think that is the main problem. It’s the anger – the sinking feeling of failure that as a woman you cannot do what you were meant to do.

It’s a sad, horrible truth that some women will never be able to have a natural baby – and a sadder truth that there are just as many who can, do and don’t want their children.

I’d had this conversation with Lena over and over again, and sometimes I wonder at whether she has accepted this or not. I guess that it helps the fact that I and our other childhood friend have yet to start a family – and her other friends that have are nearing thirty.  But I worry about what will happen when we do. How much heartache would that cause her?

I asked her to consider adoption or possibly surrogacy but she refuses. She says she wants her own baby – one she grows herself I suppose. And to each her own.

However I wish she’d consider it, partly because I want her to be happy. I want her to have the life she has always wanted, and if that is with the pitter-patter of feet rushing around then let that be so. She makes a good aunt, a good god-mother but can that ever be enough?

And as we grow older, as we mature and live through our twenties and then our thirties – how will the world spin then? Will the tear filled phones become more frequent? Or will acceptance set in and Lena will become a great wife, with a fantastic life of dreams she has yet to think up of?

...isn't a "friend" at all

The Fundamental Ingredients Of Friendship

Now, everyone has a different list of what makes a friendship - and I clearly agree that those ingredients decide upon what kind of friendship you want and what you want out of it.

I have my best friend, my girl friends and those in-between ones who help me in their own special way appreciate my existence. And I could just put a Full Stop at the end of that and be happy.

Yet I also have people I don't class as friends. Ones I class mainly as "Colleagues" as I know them either through work or people. These people are built of Fire, if I were to built of Ice - different spieces who hold different purpose and values.

I can't tell you what makes a friend but I can tell you what does not:

• Distrust
• Selfishness
• Self-centeredness
• Egocentricity
• Narcissism
• Megalomania 

How do I know this? Because Joan* has all this boiled down into her tiny frame. Quite frankly she is hideous through and through. Recently she became my manager - before that she was just annoyingly over the top - but after that she jumped into this personality shift.

Things she has done: told me "it happens" when my grandad died. Jumps into conversations she is not welcome into and changes the subject to herself. Has tantrums. Back stabs you, sprinkles posion ivy into wounds to create a mini war in work...and that is to to name a few.

And as I attempt to psychoanalye why she acts like this, I get thrown between a rock and a brick wall. She is a middle-child, comes from a seemingly normal family, does voluntary work with teens...

So is it just that she is made by fire, if I'm made of ice?

Or does the ingredients I use to make friends not the sort she uses. Am I baking cookies if she is cooking chicken?