...is the EX #2

When is it okay to cull an ex from Facebook?

Usually straight away, though it is highly dependant upon how that little “ex” appeared in front of the “girlfriend/boyfriend” title. For one friend, it was an automatic delete-and-block moment after she found out about some unfaithful behaviour. Another, after the relationship ended like a candle burning itself out, is still very good friends with her ex.

Then there is me and Darrell. Okay we weren’t in an official relationship, he never met my parents or friends nor I his and yet we spoke every day for a whole year and spent “dates” in his room. A fling for lack of better word, though I’d be lying if I said I didn't want something more.

And then he got back with an ex - which he never had the balls to tell me. Period.  [This is covered in the last post].

So 8 months have gone now and I want to cull him from my life. To move forward without a constant reminder that he’s with the one who broke the heart I spent the last year rebuilding for him. But would culling make me look bad and bitter?

Okay admittedly I sometimes still FB stalk him. Though I've gotten better with only a monthly check up. And quite recently discovered it is still painful to see him with her. The betrayal - because that is what it is - of our friendship if not our relationship is painful.

If our friendship meant not even a message to tell me he was seeing this girl, when should I bother taking the high road? 

Should any of us bother with fake pretences?

...is the EX

The one thing I've discovered since saying a farewell to my "erratic and foolishly innocent" teenage saga was that you never really leave it at all. The roller coaster you embarked on when you first started getting crushes, is not one that ends. It keeps on going and every now and again - even at twenty three and thirty and forty - it will slam you hard against the side.

I liked pretending I had everything in life worked out. Or at least that acting like the guru my friends turn to in their time of need made it so. However as I'm currently still recovering from the last sharp turn of my coaster I guess it's not the case. And this self doubt is all down to one man...

He was one of my best friends. I'd stay awake all night chatting to him online when he was studying on the other side of the country and I saved all his text messages from the dawn of time. And then finally we had no distance problems so something amazing to happen. And it started to. 

Or at least I thought so. I was apprehensive; truth was I'd had Darrell* in my life for a long time (six years) as a very dear friend so I worried what would happen if it wouldn't work out - those odds were stacked high. I'd rather have him as a friend perpetually than for a month or so of romance (however good it would be) for it to come crashing down and I lose him forever.

But it didn't stop me day dreaming - about what could happen and how our house would look and how we'd raise our children; teenage emotions and fantasises I thought died with teenagehood. I imagined how we'd have our wedding - not in the details sense but because some of his friends are NOT my friends and that would induce arguments.

And as I was daydreaming - he was meeting someone else. Urgh. 

I only knew this because he stopped talking to me. Point blank. One day I was chatting to him for hours on the phone and the next he'd jump off Facebook as I went on. At first I pined, and kept my chat open hoping it all was coincidences and then I got angry because I did some Facebook stalking and read some lovely comments.

Fun times. What was worst is I realised I was still trapped in the Teenage mindset. I really thought I was not that person now that I'd outgrown all that crap and it turned out: I was wrong. Jealousy is not something you can every truly leave behind, it's the nagging toothache you can only ignore when its not the main focus of your day. But when you see things that remind you about it - then it hits unmercifully.

Darrell has still not spoken to me - not had the decency to say "look Nikki, I've met someone else but I still want to be friends" and I think that angers me the most. What I was most scared of, happened anyway and apparently he is okay with that.

And I will hold my hands up and say that I still do stalk and pine and hiss sometimes. It's not on such a grand scale as I've dealt with it now. But whenever he pops up on the update wall with his new (fat and ugly**) girlfriend in the picture I scowl and curse her. 

I know that I shouldn't - it isn't her fault - but god it makes me feel better and at the end of the day, isn't that what people need sometimes? 

**my opinion; she is probably a very nice girl.