The one thing I've discovered since saying a farewell to my "erratic and foolishly innocent" teenage saga was that you never really leave it at all. The roller coaster you embarked on when you first started getting crushes, is not one that ends. It keeps on going and every now and again - even at twenty three and thirty and forty - it will slam you hard against the side.
I liked pretending I had everything in life worked out. Or at least that acting like the guru my friends turn to in their time of need made it so. However as I'm currently still recovering from the last sharp turn of my coaster I guess it's not the case. And this self doubt is all down to one man...
He was one of my best friends. I'd stay awake all night chatting to him online when he was studying on the other side of the country and I saved all his text messages from the dawn of time. And then finally we had no distance problems so something amazing to happen. And it started to.
Or at least I thought so. I was apprehensive; truth was I'd had Darrell* in my life for a long time (six years) as a very dear friend so I worried what would happen if it wouldn't work out - those odds were stacked high. I'd rather have him as a friend perpetually than for a month or so of romance (however good it would be) for it to come crashing down and I lose him forever.
But it didn't stop me day dreaming - about what could happen and how our house would look and how we'd raise our children; teenage emotions and fantasises I thought died with teenagehood. I imagined how we'd have our wedding - not in the details sense but because some of his friends are NOT my friends and that would induce arguments.
And as I was daydreaming - he was meeting someone else. Urgh.
I only knew this because he stopped talking to me. Point blank. One day I was chatting to him for hours on the phone and the next he'd jump off Facebook as I went on. At first I pined, and kept my chat open hoping it all was coincidences and then I got angry because I did some Facebook stalking and read some lovely comments.
Fun times. What was worst is I realised I was still trapped in the Teenage mindset. I really thought I was not that person now that I'd outgrown all that crap and it turned out: I was wrong. Jealousy is not something you can every truly leave behind, it's the nagging toothache you can only ignore when its not the main focus of your day. But when you see things that remind you about it - then it hits unmercifully.
Darrell has still not spoken to me - not had the decency to say "look Nikki, I've met someone else but I still want to be friends" and I think that angers me the most. What I was most scared of, happened anyway and apparently he is okay with that.
And I will hold my hands up and say that I still do stalk and pine and hiss sometimes. It's not on such a grand scale as I've dealt with it now. But whenever he pops up on the update wall with his new (fat and ugly**) girlfriend in the picture I scowl and curse her.
I know that I shouldn't - it isn't her fault - but god it makes me feel better and at the end of the day, isn't that what people need sometimes?
**my opinion; she is probably a very nice girl.
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