...husband died

Is there love after true love? 

Roughly this time last year, in an Army cemetery somewhere in York a funeral was taking place. The deceased happened to be a friend's husband who - unlike what you are thinking - was killed when a lorry driver fell asleep at the wheel and plough into their car. Jack* and Sophie* were married a grand total of six weeks before this accident, was barely pregnant and lovingly caring for their year old daughter.

They were both 22.

And, whilst I and several other friends attended another wedding, their lives were shattering, ending and changing in ways that no one wanted. In that one moment, Sophie's life as she had declared to God not even two months ago was over.

Now, a whole year on, Sophie is a widow caring for beautiful daughters who are to go through their whole lives never even meeting their father. But though these girls may never know this dad, does that mean that they should be denied a dad? Should Sophie live forever as a widow or meet someone and love? 

A lot of people comment that it's "too early" for her to consider this. But why is it? We all know that she loves Jack; that a part of her will always, always love him for the reasons that include such fondness over their short marriage, their children and memories. That link is as strong as the diamonds in the wedding ring she will never remove, and that should be enough.

Be it tomorrow, next month, next year or next decade, we should wish the best for everyone. Everyone deserves a chance to be happy. Who is it for us to tell someone when and who to love? 

May Jack rest in peaceful slumber.
May Sophie live in precious simlpicity.

...who's boyfriend has cancer #3

Mood swings, childish tantrums and other fun side-effects of chemo...

 

 

It's been a while - nearly two months - since I last blogged and for Louise and Jackson, it's been a pretty horrendous time.

 

Jackson's been pretty bad lately. The last two sessions of chemo were upped so he has been violently ill throughout his five day hospital stay and then bed bound for the next week or so. Seven months in and the viciousness of his sickness and the means of beating it has started to creak into his everyday attitude. And this has resulted into several more side effects leaking out.

 

• Aggressiveness and mood swings: When I say aggressive its more as he is shouting and such. I understand that it must be so frustrating to have to ask for help when doing things you should be able to do. i.e. shower. But when he shouts at Louise her timescale of brushing it off as "harmless chemoffects" is getting longer...
 
• Tantrums: Also stems from his limited choice and suffocation of assistance. He "wants to be listened too", yet as a 24 year old male - doesn't understand that what he wants, and what is the best thing for him are two separate things. And things that are sometimes going to clash.
 
• The Giving Up Factor: A friend of my fathers who died of throat cancer last year was said to have given up once he was diagnosed. And recently Jackson has showing classic signs of this. He has missed several MIR scans, hasn't gotten out of bed nor had the want to talk. This was so bad last week the Lou had to call his mum and get her to come up just so she could get him to have a shower. 

 

 At 23, it seems we're all being shoved into a world that is not meant for our eyes. It's like knowing something all our friends cannot physically or mentally understand - showing a child that it is only their father in the Santa costume...and considering in March this relationship was merely causally sweet and chirper, Louise has suddenly lost herself in HELL. In a way, her family, our friends and his friends have too. 

 

And yet; I am so unbelievably proud of her. Louise is the most strong-willed and powerful force I know. Seven months on and [hopefully] five more left... and if anyone can handle this hell - there is no doubt it's her. 

 

One day I hopw to show her this blogged calender and we will share the horrors and understand that because of this horrendous year we can appreciate life more so. That she became strong and able a f***ing amazing role model.

...is the EX #2

When is it okay to cull an ex from Facebook?

Usually straight away, though it is highly dependant upon how that little “ex” appeared in front of the “girlfriend/boyfriend” title. For one friend, it was an automatic delete-and-block moment after she found out about some unfaithful behaviour. Another, after the relationship ended like a candle burning itself out, is still very good friends with her ex.

Then there is me and Darrell. Okay we weren’t in an official relationship, he never met my parents or friends nor I his and yet we spoke every day for a whole year and spent “dates” in his room. A fling for lack of better word, though I’d be lying if I said I didn't want something more.

And then he got back with an ex - which he never had the balls to tell me. Period.  [This is covered in the last post].

So 8 months have gone now and I want to cull him from my life. To move forward without a constant reminder that he’s with the one who broke the heart I spent the last year rebuilding for him. But would culling make me look bad and bitter?

Okay admittedly I sometimes still FB stalk him. Though I've gotten better with only a monthly check up. And quite recently discovered it is still painful to see him with her. The betrayal - because that is what it is - of our friendship if not our relationship is painful.

If our friendship meant not even a message to tell me he was seeing this girl, when should I bother taking the high road? 

Should any of us bother with fake pretences?

...is dealing with grief* #2

Because I couldn't have said it better myself:

This poem was read for my grandfather at his funeral, spoken my his best friend amidst floods of tears. I have no idea who wrote it, where he got it or it's reasoning for existing. But this sums up my grandfather so precisely, its almost like it was written about him. This weekend we are spreading his ashes in a place he loved. May he find restful slumber.

"Qualities of Greatness”

Great men are rare, their passing then
Is mourned alit, by gods and men.
A man is great, not by wealth or high birth,
But my character and sterling worth.

A man of principles so high,

That none can bully, none can buy.
A man who holds as bond his word,
Who dare be different from the herd.

A man who sees his duty clear,

Is ruled by justice, not by fear.
Who for the poor is quick to fight,
Does only what he thinks is right.

Who has a sense of humour too

Is greatly loved by all he knew.
Who is not afraid to be
Always himself – a man is he.

*this is about me not a friend.

...has developed New Boyfriend Sydrome #2

Cracking Pet Peeves – Or not cracking under the pressure of Pet Peeves.

Admittedly I surrender myself to two pet peeves; traits that hinder my usually calm, collective natural practically useless. And sadly one friend harbours both and every time we meet it’s like tackling my own private Everest. [Or at least one of many I deal with everyday]. Cue Laura*

Pet Peeve No. 1 = Lateness. In my whole life the longest I have been late for a meeting of any kind is roughly ten minutes and that was always due to things out of my control. Act's of god or public transport. Etc.

Tonight I waited an extra 57 minutes for Laura to cometh around for some little things I needed to give her. And during those fifty seven minutes I sat down, got up and walked around, fed the pets and typed a chapter of randomness and whilst growing angrier and angrier until I felt like breaking something. Or ranting - which is my new self harming method.

Verdict: if you are going to be late. Let people know!

Pet Peeve No. 2 = Text conversations during dates. I.e. Laura does this all the time. We can arrange a meeting - and as I said in the last Laura post - they are few and far between nowadays, she'll recieve a text and BAM. Cyber date between her and her boyfriend and I am left feeling like the third wheel. In. My. Own. Home!

One text for politeness is dandy. Fourteen in the space of an hour - just leave and get a bleeding room!

I am still very green about dealing with pet peeves. I guess it helps that I've known Laura for fourteen years so I know her pretty well. Mainly I occupy myself with other things and repeat over and over again that there are more important things in life than being angry about someone's personality traits.

You canny change other people. You can only change yourself to cope and move swiftly along.

...is a make up artist #3

Friendship is measured not by sterling worth but by the humiliation you're perpared to endure:

Just a catch up on the Seven Sin make up for Cole. This one was quite frankly my hardest one as I have a little tiny phobia of wasps and bees and hundreds were around these here woods! My TINY fear does result me from going outside to places like this, but I was blackmailed. Blackmailed and semi humiliated as I ventured looking like this through a whole army patrol who were in the same woodland training I may add!

If you go into the woods today you're sure to get a surprise!

Welcome to my neck of the woods

I'm always watching...wanting

  Invidia - Envy

insatiable desire of wanting another person's superior quality, achievement or possession.

Enjoy!

...has weird "Rules for Dating"

How to Survive the first Couple of months in a new relationship. Part One: Second dates. 

As many people meet potential partners in a fleeing moment and pass numbers this passage is about after you've met them. i.e. you've met someone at a party and spent several hours together now its about a date.

Cora* my dear dear friend is loved by me for many reasons. Mostly since we are both singletons and so can go out on the town for some Simple Flirtatious Fun! 

However, as with women everywhere, whenever we meet a guy we are forced to repeat the same old story of "will he call? Won't he call? Should I call him? " .... admit it, every girl I know does this! 

Cora recently met a new man and thus told me her 6 rules for talking to new men: 

1. Can't text/call a guy within 3 days or you will seem desperate. [unless he does first]
2. Can't text/call a guy after 3 days as he will think there is another player involved. 
3. Limit any text message with 1 kiss as not too sound too clingy.
4. All messages/calls should sound flirty and fun, without need for him to reply instantly. 
5. NEVER text drunken messages. Give the phone to friends if need be. 
6. During planning of second dates leave the ball in his court.

Mine are:

1. Text/Call when you think it's necessary. Men are just as scared about sounding desperate so leaving flirty messages that needn't be replied too are key sometimes. Personal favourite "Had fun yesterday, I had a good time thanks". If he replies carry forth.
2. Leaving a text more than 3 days could make him think you're seeing someone else. Be straight and truthful. If there's a reason tell him. Or a little white lie works too. Just make sure you're able to back it up. 
3. I always put 2 kisses [xx] at the end of my messages. To everyone. Most people I know do, so 1 kiss shouldn't strike fear in him. Although this works both ways - if they put hundreds...run! 
4. Open ended textes keep a conversation going. I discovered that if you play about with open textes [one he has to answer] and close messages [something that doesn't need a reply] it helps to know if he's interested in talking to you and what you're saying.
5. Never drunken text. Ever. And if you do apologise in the morning and declare drunken memory loss.
6. Second dates? An embarrassing question for both of you. Don't drop hints about how you'd love to watch this movie or go such a place. Just causally ask it - if not to face by phone "hey, was wondering if you wanted to meet up again sometime soon" . Worst thing he says no and you move on. Think ripping off a band-aid - it will sting, you're stomach will flip and then you'll eat ice cream as girlfriends slate everything about him. 

Please note that this is just how I handle the first couple of meetings with a potential partner and in no way should be yours. It all comes with that horrible thing we call experience and reading between the lines.

If in doubt, ask someone for their opinion! 

...can't have children

When Pitter-Pattering Feet will only ever be ghosts of what could have been...

Picture the Fairy Tale: Little girl grows up, falls in love, gets married and lives happily ever after. Something all little girls dream about - and perhaps for many of us out there - is to live happily ever after whatever that entails for the individual. And for Lena* hers was meant to be to have a family.

She met her Prince five years ago and at 22 was a young but blushing bride. Her parents were divorced but it had never fazed her about getting hitched herself and on her wedding day, I asked her why she was so set on being married now and not using the money on holidays to exotic places and such. “You have a lifetime to get married” I said. And her reply:

“I can’t have kids. And for me this is like announcing how in love we are to the world.”

Lena has Polycystic Ovary Syndrome and was diagnosed a long time ago. It means that it is unlikely she will ever conceive a child naturally. I know there are lots of revenues one can go down such as IVF and adoption, but those things cost time and money. And I don’t think that is the main problem. It’s the anger – the sinking feeling of failure that as a woman you cannot do what you were meant to do.

It’s a sad, horrible truth that some women will never be able to have a natural baby – and a sadder truth that there are just as many who can, do and don’t want their children.

I’d had this conversation with Lena over and over again, and sometimes I wonder at whether she has accepted this or not. I guess that it helps the fact that I and our other childhood friend have yet to start a family – and her other friends that have are nearing thirty.  But I worry about what will happen when we do. How much heartache would that cause her?

I asked her to consider adoption or possibly surrogacy but she refuses. She says she wants her own baby – one she grows herself I suppose. And to each her own.

However I wish she’d consider it, partly because I want her to be happy. I want her to have the life she has always wanted, and if that is with the pitter-patter of feet rushing around then let that be so. She makes a good aunt, a good god-mother but can that ever be enough?

And as we grow older, as we mature and live through our twenties and then our thirties – how will the world spin then? Will the tear filled phones become more frequent? Or will acceptance set in and Lena will become a great wife, with a fantastic life of dreams she has yet to think up of?

...isn't a "friend" at all

The Fundamental Ingredients Of Friendship

Now, everyone has a different list of what makes a friendship - and I clearly agree that those ingredients decide upon what kind of friendship you want and what you want out of it.

I have my best friend, my girl friends and those in-between ones who help me in their own special way appreciate my existence. And I could just put a Full Stop at the end of that and be happy.

Yet I also have people I don't class as friends. Ones I class mainly as "Colleagues" as I know them either through work or people. These people are built of Fire, if I were to built of Ice - different spieces who hold different purpose and values.

I can't tell you what makes a friend but I can tell you what does not:

• Distrust
• Selfishness
• Self-centeredness
• Egocentricity
• Narcissism
• Megalomania 

How do I know this? Because Joan* has all this boiled down into her tiny frame. Quite frankly she is hideous through and through. Recently she became my manager - before that she was just annoyingly over the top - but after that she jumped into this personality shift.

Things she has done: told me "it happens" when my grandad died. Jumps into conversations she is not welcome into and changes the subject to herself. Has tantrums. Back stabs you, sprinkles posion ivy into wounds to create a mini war in work...and that is to to name a few.

And as I attempt to psychoanalye why she acts like this, I get thrown between a rock and a brick wall. She is a middle-child, comes from a seemingly normal family, does voluntary work with teens...

So is it just that she is made by fire, if I'm made of ice?

Or does the ingredients I use to make friends not the sort she uses. Am I baking cookies if she is cooking chicken?

...is dealing with grief*

*Again, this is not really about a friend, its about me

The Time is Nearing to Say Goodbye All Over Again...

When my grandad died in Febraury, I discovered what Family actually meant. It was the first death I have had to witness first hand and I saw my father cry, my uncle cry and my grandmother destroyed and that in its self was heartwrenchingly hard to deal with. I realised, quite frankly, that being surrounded my them helped overcome this.

My grandad was sick and had been for several years. He had a condition called Progressive Supranuclear Palsy (P.S.P.) and, like any kind of Palsy it was slowly taking away his mobility, as well as his eye sight, his speech and ability to swallow...so when he died, we finally had the closure that he wasn't battling against his body anymore. It was over, and he was now - where ever it was - at peace.

Yet when he died, living suddenly changed. The world was suddenly so chirper, so tainted with all this colour that felt so dismissive and made grandad's death feel sort of redunant. I went to work - to keep busy - and was choked on how no one knew, customers were all so happy and smiling and it hurt being surrounding my all these people who just didn't "care".

His funeral came, and I remember standing in the kitchen with all my family, all waiting for the funeral party and feeling dread. It - even know - makes my stomach knot when I imagine seeing the car come down the street, seeing the coffin and knowing that grandad was in there and this would be the last time he would see the house.

One man, a competely stranger stood on the roadside with a hand on his heart as the cars passed. And - whoever it was - I thank him for it. He was a much loved person, so brilliantly friendly that there was a lot of guests and that helped. It meant something bright. And being able to say goodbye then, was almost like a huge weight was lifted and gone. The minister believed so blindly he was in "heaven" and - though not religious - I think everyone else in the chaple knew that too.

And somehow 6 months has rolled by. Spring came and it bled into summer and I felt better. Normal. Then, like a tonne of bricks - several days ago it collasped on top of me and I was left realising all over again that he is gone. It's odd.

...and in a couple of weeks, the whole family will be embarking on a trip to Cornwall, in which we will be spreading his ashes in a place he loved and had hundreds of thousands of memories of. Again, we are going to have to say goodbye. The Final Goodbye. The one that counts because - though his body is gone, he no longer sits in his chair at my nannas house - after this, we will not have anything left of him except our memories. No headstone to visit, not urn to cherish.

Nikki

...was a holiday rep*

Ever dreamed of being a holiday rep? Take Heed...

*Okay, okay, NOT really my friend as she is my elder sister, but you get the drift...*

So, ever dreamt of becoming a holiday rep? Living in exotic places, sunbathing, drinking and having fun every day on a holiday that never ends? Well, you definitely need to read on.

My sister, Sam wanted to become a holiday rep since she was seven and we met one during a vacation. She became hugely smitten on him and then, once back in miserable Manchester, smitten on the idea of  working in a sun bleached environment with a cocktail in one hand and a microphone in the other. And eleven years later, she flew out to the Island of Menorca just off the coast of Spain for her dreams to start...

And yes she loved most of it... though in training you aren't told about the day-long delays which requires you to stay at the airport, the emergency phone aka the tw*t phone which customers call through the night asking where to find kebabs, their friends and toilet paper...

This post is about one week taken from her diary. I would never suggest that this could happen to anyone else, a 1 in a 1,000 000 week...but the worst of the worst nonetheless...

WEEK OF HELL:

Friday: Home at one a.m. up at three to meet customers at hotel lobby by four. Left hotel and heading to airport when a small blue car raced by the coach, up the road and was lost behind a sharp corner. Driver definitely drunk, car all over the place. Coach followed the road and turned said corner to find the little blue car under another coach. Car mistaken for jet ski. Male occupant hanging out of what probably used to be a window. Could not react, had to keep passengers calm and asked them to draw curtains. 

Sunday: Still seeing dead body hanging out of windows, car smashed under bus every time eyes are closed. This morning was called to local hotel where a three year old child had let himself out of the apartment during the night to go "swimming". Was discovered at six am. by maintenance man. Already a bad week.

Tuesday: Blistering storms have prevented holiday goers to leave the hotels. Good thing? Well whilst playing games with the local entertainers, a thirteen year old girl tripped on slippery tiles and had marble table collapse on her hand. Fingers were amputated. 

Wednesday: Sixty year old man dies of heart attack in the reception of another popular hotel. Doctor was called but took hours to arrive, and as dead bodies cannot be moved, he had to be draped with sheets and hidden as best he could from view of others. 

Friday: Local scuba diving instructor killed as he taught a new leg of people the art. He went too close to the propeller and was killed somewhat instantly I guess. Body had to be brought back on boat with the class. 

Again please note: this very true week happened only once in the six years she was working as a holiday rep, and I don't think any other rep has ever had a week quite like it. I guess I'm writing this as the start the next few posts, mainly aimed at losing someone.

Anyone with questions about repping or whatever, feel free to ask. After all, nothing beats experience!

Nikki

...is a fake anorexic #2

A Nice Way to say "Shut the Fuck up"?

NB. Jane is not Ana, and I hope people who think I'm ignoring a potentially fatal disease read my previous post on Jane, before judging.

Sometimes going to work is like I've stepped back in time and am back in high school. And I hated high school. I have to deal with gossip, bitching and arguements and of course, Jane. And, at 23, I am now pondering if there is ever a nice way to say "shut the fuck up!"

So, two new fads that Jane has come up with are A: extremely expensive protein bars from the USA that are 200 cals and are meant to be both breakfast and dinners. Okay, for anyone wanting to lose weight they are probably very effective, but when you're Jane you NEED to take it that one step too far.

And that means insisting - to everyone - that this will be the only food intake that day. And the famous quote she has ever came out with "I want to be Heroin chic!". I know, you're asking why right?

B: Today I had to endure her express she was on a "diet" 9 times in six hours, went into detail about only eating salad and constantly moaned she was dizzy and her legs were wobbly. Urgh. Of course she screamed the place down when a friend offered her one hard boiled sweet to taste its sourness and refused to eat anything... until said friend had gone and I caught her eating several of these sweets in secret.

And no matter how much I love Jane, this is getting old very quickly. Now the summer has come I am in a sink, swim or slap scenario. I cannot handle this false act. Anyone else I would have probably left in tears by now, but Jane is my co-worker and my friend so its not like I can slap her and scream at her...

So time for the ole faithful: the little white lie. "Jane, you're worrying me when you talk about this stuff, so please be careful and tone it down for me so I don't worry all the time, okay?"

I'll keep you up to date on how Jane and my relation is coping.

...is a make up artist #2

Another couple of photoshoots are done, one is part of the seven deadly sin theme and the other was part of her exam.

The first was done on top of a very large hill, and a very popular spot for the local hikers and dog walkers - and she had afro-ed my hair. Lovely.

Second was done at the studio and took hours and hours to do. Very tiring for me who just had to sit there all day. But I think the finished product looks awesome.

Please tell me what you think!!

SEVEN SIN PHOTOSHOOT #3

 Getting in touch with my wild side

 America's Next Top Model pose

Ira (wrath)

Inordinate and uncontrolled feelings of hatred and anger

MAKE UP EXAM: THEME UNDER THE WATER

In process 

 There's something Fishy going on here

Evil Siren/Mermaid princess

Like I said, please tell me what you think

...is in an on again off again relationship

Is Facebook Relationship Statuses Important in a Relationship?

Often something discussed with my girlfriends, who as women automatically believe that proclaiming to the world of  Facebook that you are in a relationship signifies that you are in said relationship. 

When I log onto my Facebook page automatically I am plagued with people telling me that they are in/now not in a relationship - or at least I was until I culled my friend list. For me, standing in the centre of a solar system of rocky friends, I believe that - at least some times - telling everyone you are now in a relationship - moments after getting into the relationship - is bragging.

And what for? I myself do not have "relationship status" on my Facebook profile for two reasons. Firstly - privacy as nowadays criminals could use Facebook to fake your identity and secondly: the only two people who should care are the two people in the relationship...okay and maybe the friends you see and family. 

However, recently my darling friend Beth* has been having problems with this tiny little thing. Beth is in the - classic on/off then on/off relationship...and though her relationship has no foundations for general upkeep she is somewhat blindly determined that he is the one. And he could be - who am I to say??

Anyway several weeks ago, after having "singled" herself in the Facebook world several months ago, Beth A: re-got back with him and B: put "in a relationship" as her status.

Harmless I believe - she's done a lot for him these last couple of months ... yet Mr On/off has yet to deal with his end of the bargain. Three weeks later he dishes out two excuses A: "I've not been on Facebook" - except all the status updates and B:  "but none of my friends know we're back together because it never came up..."

So, whilst hurt and somewhat pissed off Beth is left wondering what the hell is wrong here. It's a simple click, right? So it should take two seconds and he has nothing to be ashamed of. He broke up with her then begged her come back so you'd think he'd be a little more perky on the subject.

And I am left wondering what it does mean in the grand scale of things. Does FB suddenly make things official, from simple dates and fun to something real or it is just another volcano that we don't need in our lives?

Debatable...

Nikki

...just found out her boyfriend has cancer #2

Help, I've been Quarantined!

So, I’ve been banned from visiting or seeing Louise for a while. Or, more precisely, I have self-decided to quarantine myself from her as I have been struck down with a flimsy common cold. And it sucks.

We had so many things planned for this week as it is Week One of Jackson’s three weeks out of hospital regime. Week one is usually spent in bed, too exhausted from his chemo to move. Followed my Week Two and Week Three where he is more able and willing to do things.

But, and admittedly I did not know this, but people undergoing chemotherapy have no immune system and thus cannot risk getting sick, even a slight cold. It makes sense of course, in a “if I had actually thought about it then yeah obviously” kind of way. So it means that I had to cancel all our plans to stop Louise catching it and then passing it on.

This makes me unhappy and a wee bit nervous. I have thus realised I know absolutely nothing about cancer and its treatments - or about colds and theirs. It's not severe, more like a slight irritation in the throat, but how long am I going to be infectable for?

So my week is to be spent researching the answers, miserable that I have a new game I cannot play [waiting for Louise] and a million things we have to put on hold until we're both free. If anything it makes me realise just how significant all these insignificant things in life actually are.

If anyone knows anything about this, advice would be well appreciated.

Nikki

...has gone backpacking to Malaysia!

As we speak my closest college friend is on a plane for an exciting three-month travelling saga of Malaysia. Yes I am wholly jealous.

I think about my life and how it isn’t how I intended it to be right now. I am happy – more or less – and surround myself with all these amazing people yet… it is just not how I envisioned what the year 2011 would do for me.

Last year I planned and planned to go to Japan for a year to teach English. Got my certificates and whatnot yet was always being held back via friendship commitments. Firstly a high school friend asked me to be Maid of Honour at her wedding, then another friend told me to attend hers and everything snowballed into me sticking around.

“I’ll go this year” was what I concluded and then BAM: best friend’s boyfriend had cancer, another broke up with her love and once again everything seems to be snowballing me down a cliff face to a pit I’ll not be able to crawl out of till next year.

And so, as Emma is enjoying being spontaneous and creating such amazing memories, I’m left behind and it’s okay. I’m needed right now – as I was last year and maybe next year. My friends ARE my world, and venturing so far from them would be like a shepherd leaving his much loved flock. 

One day I will be gallivanting somewhere glamorous, and in the mean time – I wish Emma and Peri an amazing, safe and successful journey. I will miss you!

[If you want to follow Emma and Peri’s adventure they have blogged it: http://periandemma.wordpress.com ]

...wants to start up an affair

I pride myself in having a lot of different friends with different tastes, values and ambitions. As a writer I find this healthy and filled with much more experience than sticking to the same old. However there is one little flaw this situation has: I am only ever going to be my age, and those younger are always going to be lagging behind in "maturity" as those older with have gained more experience than what I have right now.

And, possibly in some blind trying to pretend-its-not-happening way, I have put down Ian's* slightly weird obsession with me as him being young. What I continue to not understand is Ian has a girlfriend - a beautiful, smart and as far as I know nice girlfriend whom he has been with for a couple of years.

They seem perfectly happy together, yet on occasions I get a text or a Facebook message that I am increasingly having hard to put as joking. What is the fascination with me? It is because I'm older? The opposite from his girlfriend or that it is just teenage hormones that are driving him to act like this?

I have no idea. Nor am I ever going to start up this fantasy affair his has concocted. The most effective method I discovered to deal is to pretend to be innocent and fairly stupid about what he says. Mainly I act like I have no idea what he is impling: with a sprinkle of literalism when I can for added effect. When he asks me "wa u up 2" (and yes he does ask it like that) I firstly tell him that I canny understand such gibberish for time to make up scenarios such as visiting family, doing work, going to sleep as I've been ill... I guess it helps to have a vivid imagination for these excuses and I have enough to write a book!

And all I can do is hope he gets over this hormonal imbalance, because my god it is annoying! To all men out there who doesn't know this already: sometimes girls like having you as just a friend - especially when you have a quite amazing girlfriend already!

...is a makeup artist

If you like being made up then you are probably thinking that having a budding makeup artist as a friend is the best thing ever. And I wont lie to you: yes it is. It means I can phone her up going: "but I have a date tonight and want to look pretttttttty" and I can forget wholly about what I'd look like and more on the nervousness because Cole is amazing at what she does.

However that comes at a heavy price. One that involves me frolicking through a nearby woodland during a freezing day in March with no shoes on and prancing around a bedroom in underwear because she needed a model for her website portfolio.

And it gets better: this month she is affro-ing my hair, applying gills to my face and expects me to show my angry side in front of a lot more dog-walkers and hikers. But we have a secret pact that involves me being her model for her reading my book. And hell, I love the finished product!

Anyway I have published two pictures. Her theme is the seven sins in high fashion. Can you guess which ones they are? =D

Acedia (sloth):

State of being physically and emotionally inactive and uncaring about oneself.

Luxuria (lust):

excessive thoughts or desires of a sexual nature.

...just found out her boyfriend has Cancer

In my life there have only ever been two friends that I have both admired and envied simultaneously. Both hold an incredible strength that I doubt I could ever achieve. I could never face such hardship with a chin raised so high and think the are both utterly amazing people. True inspiration to anyone.

The first one is Hannah* who last year saw her husband of SIX WEEKS die in a horrific crash where a lorry driver ploughed into their car. Hannah not only had to make the decision to turn off his life support but also had to deal with being freshly pregnant and raising a one year old daughter.

The next friend is Louise*, who told me two months ago that her on/off boyfriend of four years had cancer. And as she faces a year of driving him to hospital appointments, taking him to chemo and working long hours then spending the rest of her time taking care of him; I am faced with the utter hopelessness of being just a friend of a friend.


Me and Jackson* are not friends. I do not approve for reasons I will not get into, yet never would I have wished this hell upon him nor anyone else. But I have to delve into the reality where I very rarely see Louise, rarer still go on our regular nights out or crazy back packing adventures. Understandable but still a little difficult to get used to.

Overall, as Louise has put her entire life on hold – in a way so have I. Back in January we had a lot of plans for the upcoming year: get a house together, go travelling, visit Rome and other European places and set up a small but hugely successful business etc etc etc…

And as frustration flushes through me, it is immediately followed by guilt and leaves me wondering what I'm meant to feel. I’m no relation to Jackson - I haven’t seen him for nearly a year because of our clashing personalities. But that doesn’t mean I don't worry about him. I do. Constantly.

But I also worry for Louise. At 23 can she handle this planetary burden? How can I explain without hurting her feelings that she needs to think about herself too? At this moment in time she is sacrificing her whole future because she hasn't  been studying her last weeks in school...

I want to help. Of course helping would be either curing cancer - which I am not smart enough for, giving them money to cope with their financial hardships - which I am not rich enough for, or just being right here, ready when she needs to talk. 

I told her the day she told me, a simple statement that sees me (and hopefully her through). 

"You have to be his walking stick, that constant stronghold that is there whenever he reaches for assistance. But I promise you, from this moment on - I will be yours"

And I mean it.

Nikki

...has developed New Boyfriend Sydrome

Best Friends Vs. Boyfriends

Annoyingly, this is a natural occurance on the path of growing up. When you meet a partner the only thing you want to do is send time with them. We've all been/will be there one day and that is okay. The emotions gained from are strong - that you are wanted and loved and missed and enjoyed.

And when Laura* met "the one" we were all really happy for her. I'd sit up with her well into the morrow as she spoke about how amazing and handsome this guy was, as he was texting sloppy messages about missing her completely.

Young love at its finest.

Then came the ditching. Normally I'd nod in agreement when she said she couldn't make our ritual date nights and sigh at how she'd never answer her phone when she was with him. Pretty normal. Everyone does it. It wont last once the realtionship becomes stable, she'll realise the error of her ways...

Oh no. Fast forward a year...

I jumping around the room becasue a film I've been waiting ages to watch is just about to be released. I made her take a blood oath and swear on everyone we knew that we'd watch it together, on its day of release like we did in high school...and as the day comes...she can't make it.

That I didn't care about. So serious facebook stalking came and went and guess what: She watched it with him instead and didn't even have the curtsey to tell me. This would have been the last straw - perhaps many people would will me morally insane for not even confronting about the matter. Yes I was pissed off - wasted a handful of tears at this betrayal and pondered over and over again whether the relationship I have with her - was the same as the relationship she had with me.

I didn't think so. I was a "last resort" thing when He was busy and I doubted that a relationship can live like that. So I gathered I'd delete her from my cyberspace and eventually from my life...and as I went on the computer I discovered that on my Calendar was a quote: Never be the first to burn a bridge, that could be your only way back.

And bam. I didn't. I am still her friend and we still chat. I rarely am the first to make a date now though, and pent anger to my other friends who think I'm mad. Ever rarer do I tell her how some of her decisions to be with him over me hurt. I'm pretty darn good at wrapping up my own wounds anyway. And why I hear you ask?

Because Laura is happy. And I want everyone to be happy - that is my greatest flaw - and leaving her behind will make her sad and the guilt of that would probably eat me from the inside out.

Friendship is important and even though I believe that there are some bridges in life you need to burn once crossed, 10 years of friendship can sometimes be worth it's weight in gold.

Right?

Nikki

...will not listen to advice

Can too much fun be a bad thing? Answer: yes

As a recently single gal, Lucy* has been up for running around the world stark naked in celebration for the last month or so. This is all good - I'm all about Single Girl Power - but her appetite is not about freedom anymore. Instead of being work-orientated, Lucy has started staying out all night, drinking bottle after bottle of alcohol and refusing to step up to her responsibilities. 

Always right and never wrong is a frustrating trait to have to live with. It is as if you are standing in a room, reeling advice about things that seem like just general common sense: "You don't need to finish of the bottle it aint going anywhere". "Aren't you working tomorrow, then maybe we should call it a night" and knowing that no one is even listening.

I don't know everything and I'm not going through what she is. I understand that - but when everything you say falls on deaf ears and you just don't know how to help, or how to get her to open up - it can make you feel like you want to run the other way.

So do I attempt to ram the cold hard truth down her throat - because with Lucy that would come at a high hard price: losing her friendship? I could end up on the lengthy list of all the people before that attempted this and failed miserably so. And as much as Lucy is on a rocky path of perhaps self-detonation right now - she is an amazing friend I could not bear to lose.

That brings me to the other option. Ignore her, turn a blind eye and wait till it all goes away. Of course, what would that mean? That I'm abandoning her in a time she needs her friends coating her, ready with the tissues or what she needs? Sure break ups can be terrible - see my previous blogs - but sometimes they are far more complex and require someone standing by for weeks and months readying for an onslaught of whatever that shows itself as.

So I hang on the very small fence in between my two options, hoping that something will change and praying she will realise that - true partying is fun - but it has to be done moderately. I'll keep you posted anyway.

You see as Lucy skips down the road she believes is all about fun, freedom and femininity, she leaves me and our friends standing idly by, unable to help or assist for the simple fact that nothing we say will stop her because Lucy will not listen. Period.

...is the EX

The one thing I've discovered since saying a farewell to my "erratic and foolishly innocent" teenage saga was that you never really leave it at all. The roller coaster you embarked on when you first started getting crushes, is not one that ends. It keeps on going and every now and again - even at twenty three and thirty and forty - it will slam you hard against the side.

I liked pretending I had everything in life worked out. Or at least that acting like the guru my friends turn to in their time of need made it so. However as I'm currently still recovering from the last sharp turn of my coaster I guess it's not the case. And this self doubt is all down to one man...

He was one of my best friends. I'd stay awake all night chatting to him online when he was studying on the other side of the country and I saved all his text messages from the dawn of time. And then finally we had no distance problems so something amazing to happen. And it started to. 

Or at least I thought so. I was apprehensive; truth was I'd had Darrell* in my life for a long time (six years) as a very dear friend so I worried what would happen if it wouldn't work out - those odds were stacked high. I'd rather have him as a friend perpetually than for a month or so of romance (however good it would be) for it to come crashing down and I lose him forever.

But it didn't stop me day dreaming - about what could happen and how our house would look and how we'd raise our children; teenage emotions and fantasises I thought died with teenagehood. I imagined how we'd have our wedding - not in the details sense but because some of his friends are NOT my friends and that would induce arguments.

And as I was daydreaming - he was meeting someone else. Urgh. 

I only knew this because he stopped talking to me. Point blank. One day I was chatting to him for hours on the phone and the next he'd jump off Facebook as I went on. At first I pined, and kept my chat open hoping it all was coincidences and then I got angry because I did some Facebook stalking and read some lovely comments.

Fun times. What was worst is I realised I was still trapped in the Teenage mindset. I really thought I was not that person now that I'd outgrown all that crap and it turned out: I was wrong. Jealousy is not something you can every truly leave behind, it's the nagging toothache you can only ignore when its not the main focus of your day. But when you see things that remind you about it - then it hits unmercifully.

Darrell has still not spoken to me - not had the decency to say "look Nikki, I've met someone else but I still want to be friends" and I think that angers me the most. What I was most scared of, happened anyway and apparently he is okay with that.

And I will hold my hands up and say that I still do stalk and pine and hiss sometimes. It's not on such a grand scale as I've dealt with it now. But whenever he pops up on the update wall with his new (fat and ugly**) girlfriend in the picture I scowl and curse her. 

I know that I shouldn't - it isn't her fault - but god it makes me feel better and at the end of the day, isn't that what people need sometimes? 

**my opinion; she is probably a very nice girl.

...is going through a break up

As some Friendship Rite of Passage Rule, one day every friend is going to have to deal with the turmoil of a friend's heartbreak. That heartbreak can range from a simple crush-gone-wrong-mope to heart-wrecked-in-the-middle-of-an-ocean-of-despair. Either way one thing is certain; that friend is in need of lifesaving and you are the life jacket.

So what do you do at eleven pm when you're in your PJs reading for bed and your friend calls in hysterics that only dolphins and years of friendship can decipher?

Initially I was happy - sort of. I have never really liked Grace's* boyfriend for several reasons. Bias-ly speaking, I think him manipulative and lazy, who doesn't deserve the effort Grace pours into the relationship. Nevertheless when I got that phone call I was "on it like a car bonnet" and out the door and driving to her house within five minutes - slippers and all.

By the time I got there, Grace had decided she was going to drive to His house and discuss the matter. Something I objected to immediately. I told her that there was no way in hell I'd let her get into that car in such a state because those six miles could be fatal in such mind frame. Instead the only option I gave was me driving the twenty minutes to his house, wait outside for them to chat and then bring her back (three hours later).

But being a friend of a heartbroken friend doesn't end there. Anyone who has been in a relationship knows that a breakup can succeed more than several days. Grace will probably still be moping about a month from now. After all He was like another limb to her - a lifeline - that she has to learn to not be with.

So, I offered myself to her - gave her a key to my house, called in sick so we had a week to talk and attempted to cheer her up with the three cures that have been tried and tested by yours truly: Bailey's Haagen-Dazs Ice cream, Wine or something similar and either a horror movie or a horror video game.

I allocated time for the tears and the anger - which was usually just before we went to sleep - and I would listen and offer up my opinions and options, sprinkling a handful of hope and promise when needed. I'd tell her that maybe in a couple of months when He had gotten himself a little more stability (and a job) he may feel differently and that there is a point in life where you have to think about whether attempting to fix something so broken is worth the effort or not. Hurtful words probably - but I have found that a sugar-coated version of the truth is better in the long run than the lies and garbage she wants to hear. 

And frustratingly this is all I can offer. That and perhaps a couple of laughs. It's times like this I wish I was some superman, who knew exactly what to do and when to do it. But I am not. And Grace seems somewhat better now - i.e. she ain't bursting into tears over all the little comments we keep unearthing about breaking up and whatnot.

It's going to take time. And whether that time frame is a month or a year, I am going to always have my phone on, always offer my shoulder and if she needs someone then she knows exactly who to come to.

Nikki

...is a fake anorexic

Firstly let me clarify, Jane* is not anorexic. My mum worked in an institution for girls suffering anorexia and drilled into my head that it is a serve illness. Those girls who could hardly stand looking at their reflections were sick. Jane is not.

What Jane is, is a certain type of Attention Seeker I like to categorise as being a Black Hole. She is constantly in need of being the epicentre of attention - and selfishly sucks everyone to her by any means. And saying she doesn’t eat – which is a massive difference than actually not eating – is just her latest method of this.

Recently (after her "stalker" ordeal ended) Jane has started becoming vocal about her weight issues. The size 10 Jane complains constantly to be fat - she is not. It is also not a case of Body Dysphoria - please let me express that - Jane just needs to be THAT girl; the Queen Bee, the It-girl, the Sun everyone orbits. It’s who she is.

I'm sure that everyone must know/have known someone like this, who constantly searches for empathy (albeit false) and fashions up stories and such when she is not receiving it. Do I think she does this intentionally? Yes and No.

An example? Jane proclaimed that she had only eaten a slice of toast that morning, and that was all she planned to eat that day. I explained that form of “dieting” didn't work but Jane knows best, of course.

This annoyed me two fold. Firstly I think that anyone faking an illness as complex as anorexia makes the whole issue degrading and takes away its severity. Secondly four years ago I was calorie counting obsessively myself so understand what a slippery slope that can become.

So I rarely bother taking her on when Jane starts talking about this. Mood depending, I will range from nodding once and changing the subject, giving a simple reply of "oh, be careful then" to just walking away. I've found that if you want to keep the friendship (or if you have to keep the peace) then the best way is to not fuss over such things.

When I was younger my sister had a friend who was exactly the same way. She would constantly complain of being "fat" and as everyone else gushed over her ribs that protruded from her chest, I merely agreed with her. Bad form I know, but since all she would do was sulk I learnt that not giving false sympathy is better for MY mental health. There are a lot of people that need my empathy, sympathy and pity and I plan to give them it all when needed.

My advice would be not to get into it. As I understand, a real person suffering from anorexia doesn't vocalise it so much, aren’t seen drinking Mountain Dew at 120cal per can or snacking on crisps and chocolate. People with Body Dysphoria don't carry around large make up bags and gush over their reflections all day and don’t wear revealing dresses on nights out.

I cannot change Jane – or slap her across the face – but I can take pride in how I can hold my tongue and nod along. I am going to monitor her eating patterns of course, be ready to act if she starts actually starving herself, but other than that (and ranting on here) I will just have to wait until she discovers another venue for us to get sucked into.

Nikki

The Sneak Peak...

To let you all know what to expect from this Blog I have written a list of just some my friends who I will be Blogging about. All names will be changed for piracy issues and of course our friendship sake. If there is any particularly ones that someone wants me to prioritise then feel free to comment and I will try my hardest to publish those first. 

• …who can’t have kids
• …who didn’t want kids
• …who has been married one year
• …who has the mother-in-law from hell
• …who is a cheater
• …who is a compulsive liar
• …who is a rock star
• …who is a womaniser
• …who is getting divorced
• …who is getting married in one year
• …who is in the turbulent relationship
• …who is the fake anorexic
• …who’s husband died last year
• …Who’s in a bad relationship
• …who’s in love with someone she isn’t allowed to be with
• …who’s boyfriend has cancer

The Introduction

As it seems to be an unstated traditon for the first post of a new Blogger to be that of an Introduction, I have thus named it such. For the last year I have been pondering what I could Blog about, wondering what I could offer the web that people may actually give a ting crap about. And as my fashion sense is probably something I should be jailed for and my romantic life consists of clingy men, stalkers and guys that are already in a relationship, I doubted I had anything to offer.

However recently I have been repeatedly told that I have a lot of friends that have a lot of drama (think something you'd find in a year's worth of soaps). This is very true: some drama is awful - like my friend dealing with her boyfriend's cancer, another getting divorced and one coping with the loss of her husband. Then there are the "Attention Seekers" such as one who is a fake anorexic or the complusive liar. And finally the rest whom are dealing with a little thing I call life.

So I'm mid way through my twenty-third year and my friends range from being teenage hormonal timebombs to thritysomething poeple who are trying so vainly to keep the status quo of what they believe to be the ideal norm. I am neither a soical butterfly - recently I've culled sixty friends from Facebook leaving me with well under one hundred - nor am I a caring sort of chap.

For example, one particular friend complains that she is fat. She is not (she's under the Attention Seeker category) and every time she complains or moans about such I have to hold my tongue. I only deal sympathy to thoes who are in need of it. 

So, I am going to tell the world about how I cope and handle being the "normal" (hardly) one of an immense and at times intense group of friends - and that sometimes, being just "a friend of a friend who..." can be a real turblant rollercoast ride all on its own.

Nikki