...has developed New Boyfriend Sydrome

Best Friends Vs. Boyfriends

Annoyingly, this is a natural occurance on the path of growing up. When you meet a partner the only thing you want to do is send time with them. We've all been/will be there one day and that is okay. The emotions gained from are strong - that you are wanted and loved and missed and enjoyed.

And when Laura* met "the one" we were all really happy for her. I'd sit up with her well into the morrow as she spoke about how amazing and handsome this guy was, as he was texting sloppy messages about missing her completely.

Young love at its finest.

Then came the ditching. Normally I'd nod in agreement when she said she couldn't make our ritual date nights and sigh at how she'd never answer her phone when she was with him. Pretty normal. Everyone does it. It wont last once the realtionship becomes stable, she'll realise the error of her ways...

Oh no. Fast forward a year...

I jumping around the room becasue a film I've been waiting ages to watch is just about to be released. I made her take a blood oath and swear on everyone we knew that we'd watch it together, on its day of release like we did in high school...and as the day comes...she can't make it.

That I didn't care about. So serious facebook stalking came and went and guess what: She watched it with him instead and didn't even have the curtsey to tell me. This would have been the last straw - perhaps many people would will me morally insane for not even confronting about the matter. Yes I was pissed off - wasted a handful of tears at this betrayal and pondered over and over again whether the relationship I have with her - was the same as the relationship she had with me.

I didn't think so. I was a "last resort" thing when He was busy and I doubted that a relationship can live like that. So I gathered I'd delete her from my cyberspace and eventually from my life...and as I went on the computer I discovered that on my Calendar was a quote: Never be the first to burn a bridge, that could be your only way back.

And bam. I didn't. I am still her friend and we still chat. I rarely am the first to make a date now though, and pent anger to my other friends who think I'm mad. Ever rarer do I tell her how some of her decisions to be with him over me hurt. I'm pretty darn good at wrapping up my own wounds anyway. And why I hear you ask?

Because Laura is happy. And I want everyone to be happy - that is my greatest flaw - and leaving her behind will make her sad and the guilt of that would probably eat me from the inside out.

Friendship is important and even though I believe that there are some bridges in life you need to burn once crossed, 10 years of friendship can sometimes be worth it's weight in gold.

Right?

Nikki

...will not listen to advice

Can too much fun be a bad thing? Answer: yes

As a recently single gal, Lucy* has been up for running around the world stark naked in celebration for the last month or so. This is all good - I'm all about Single Girl Power - but her appetite is not about freedom anymore. Instead of being work-orientated, Lucy has started staying out all night, drinking bottle after bottle of alcohol and refusing to step up to her responsibilities. 

Always right and never wrong is a frustrating trait to have to live with. It is as if you are standing in a room, reeling advice about things that seem like just general common sense: "You don't need to finish of the bottle it aint going anywhere". "Aren't you working tomorrow, then maybe we should call it a night" and knowing that no one is even listening.

I don't know everything and I'm not going through what she is. I understand that - but when everything you say falls on deaf ears and you just don't know how to help, or how to get her to open up - it can make you feel like you want to run the other way.

So do I attempt to ram the cold hard truth down her throat - because with Lucy that would come at a high hard price: losing her friendship? I could end up on the lengthy list of all the people before that attempted this and failed miserably so. And as much as Lucy is on a rocky path of perhaps self-detonation right now - she is an amazing friend I could not bear to lose.

That brings me to the other option. Ignore her, turn a blind eye and wait till it all goes away. Of course, what would that mean? That I'm abandoning her in a time she needs her friends coating her, ready with the tissues or what she needs? Sure break ups can be terrible - see my previous blogs - but sometimes they are far more complex and require someone standing by for weeks and months readying for an onslaught of whatever that shows itself as.

So I hang on the very small fence in between my two options, hoping that something will change and praying she will realise that - true partying is fun - but it has to be done moderately. I'll keep you posted anyway.

You see as Lucy skips down the road she believes is all about fun, freedom and femininity, she leaves me and our friends standing idly by, unable to help or assist for the simple fact that nothing we say will stop her because Lucy will not listen. Period.

...is the EX

The one thing I've discovered since saying a farewell to my "erratic and foolishly innocent" teenage saga was that you never really leave it at all. The roller coaster you embarked on when you first started getting crushes, is not one that ends. It keeps on going and every now and again - even at twenty three and thirty and forty - it will slam you hard against the side.

I liked pretending I had everything in life worked out. Or at least that acting like the guru my friends turn to in their time of need made it so. However as I'm currently still recovering from the last sharp turn of my coaster I guess it's not the case. And this self doubt is all down to one man...

He was one of my best friends. I'd stay awake all night chatting to him online when he was studying on the other side of the country and I saved all his text messages from the dawn of time. And then finally we had no distance problems so something amazing to happen. And it started to. 

Or at least I thought so. I was apprehensive; truth was I'd had Darrell* in my life for a long time (six years) as a very dear friend so I worried what would happen if it wouldn't work out - those odds were stacked high. I'd rather have him as a friend perpetually than for a month or so of romance (however good it would be) for it to come crashing down and I lose him forever.

But it didn't stop me day dreaming - about what could happen and how our house would look and how we'd raise our children; teenage emotions and fantasises I thought died with teenagehood. I imagined how we'd have our wedding - not in the details sense but because some of his friends are NOT my friends and that would induce arguments.

And as I was daydreaming - he was meeting someone else. Urgh. 

I only knew this because he stopped talking to me. Point blank. One day I was chatting to him for hours on the phone and the next he'd jump off Facebook as I went on. At first I pined, and kept my chat open hoping it all was coincidences and then I got angry because I did some Facebook stalking and read some lovely comments.

Fun times. What was worst is I realised I was still trapped in the Teenage mindset. I really thought I was not that person now that I'd outgrown all that crap and it turned out: I was wrong. Jealousy is not something you can every truly leave behind, it's the nagging toothache you can only ignore when its not the main focus of your day. But when you see things that remind you about it - then it hits unmercifully.

Darrell has still not spoken to me - not had the decency to say "look Nikki, I've met someone else but I still want to be friends" and I think that angers me the most. What I was most scared of, happened anyway and apparently he is okay with that.

And I will hold my hands up and say that I still do stalk and pine and hiss sometimes. It's not on such a grand scale as I've dealt with it now. But whenever he pops up on the update wall with his new (fat and ugly**) girlfriend in the picture I scowl and curse her. 

I know that I shouldn't - it isn't her fault - but god it makes me feel better and at the end of the day, isn't that what people need sometimes? 

**my opinion; she is probably a very nice girl.

...is going through a break up

As some Friendship Rite of Passage Rule, one day every friend is going to have to deal with the turmoil of a friend's heartbreak. That heartbreak can range from a simple crush-gone-wrong-mope to heart-wrecked-in-the-middle-of-an-ocean-of-despair. Either way one thing is certain; that friend is in need of lifesaving and you are the life jacket.

So what do you do at eleven pm when you're in your PJs reading for bed and your friend calls in hysterics that only dolphins and years of friendship can decipher?

Initially I was happy - sort of. I have never really liked Grace's* boyfriend for several reasons. Bias-ly speaking, I think him manipulative and lazy, who doesn't deserve the effort Grace pours into the relationship. Nevertheless when I got that phone call I was "on it like a car bonnet" and out the door and driving to her house within five minutes - slippers and all.

By the time I got there, Grace had decided she was going to drive to His house and discuss the matter. Something I objected to immediately. I told her that there was no way in hell I'd let her get into that car in such a state because those six miles could be fatal in such mind frame. Instead the only option I gave was me driving the twenty minutes to his house, wait outside for them to chat and then bring her back (three hours later).

But being a friend of a heartbroken friend doesn't end there. Anyone who has been in a relationship knows that a breakup can succeed more than several days. Grace will probably still be moping about a month from now. After all He was like another limb to her - a lifeline - that she has to learn to not be with.

So, I offered myself to her - gave her a key to my house, called in sick so we had a week to talk and attempted to cheer her up with the three cures that have been tried and tested by yours truly: Bailey's Haagen-Dazs Ice cream, Wine or something similar and either a horror movie or a horror video game.

I allocated time for the tears and the anger - which was usually just before we went to sleep - and I would listen and offer up my opinions and options, sprinkling a handful of hope and promise when needed. I'd tell her that maybe in a couple of months when He had gotten himself a little more stability (and a job) he may feel differently and that there is a point in life where you have to think about whether attempting to fix something so broken is worth the effort or not. Hurtful words probably - but I have found that a sugar-coated version of the truth is better in the long run than the lies and garbage she wants to hear. 

And frustratingly this is all I can offer. That and perhaps a couple of laughs. It's times like this I wish I was some superman, who knew exactly what to do and when to do it. But I am not. And Grace seems somewhat better now - i.e. she ain't bursting into tears over all the little comments we keep unearthing about breaking up and whatnot.

It's going to take time. And whether that time frame is a month or a year, I am going to always have my phone on, always offer my shoulder and if she needs someone then she knows exactly who to come to.

Nikki

...is a fake anorexic

Firstly let me clarify, Jane* is not anorexic. My mum worked in an institution for girls suffering anorexia and drilled into my head that it is a serve illness. Those girls who could hardly stand looking at their reflections were sick. Jane is not.

What Jane is, is a certain type of Attention Seeker I like to categorise as being a Black Hole. She is constantly in need of being the epicentre of attention - and selfishly sucks everyone to her by any means. And saying she doesn’t eat – which is a massive difference than actually not eating – is just her latest method of this.

Recently (after her "stalker" ordeal ended) Jane has started becoming vocal about her weight issues. The size 10 Jane complains constantly to be fat - she is not. It is also not a case of Body Dysphoria - please let me express that - Jane just needs to be THAT girl; the Queen Bee, the It-girl, the Sun everyone orbits. It’s who she is.

I'm sure that everyone must know/have known someone like this, who constantly searches for empathy (albeit false) and fashions up stories and such when she is not receiving it. Do I think she does this intentionally? Yes and No.

An example? Jane proclaimed that she had only eaten a slice of toast that morning, and that was all she planned to eat that day. I explained that form of “dieting” didn't work but Jane knows best, of course.

This annoyed me two fold. Firstly I think that anyone faking an illness as complex as anorexia makes the whole issue degrading and takes away its severity. Secondly four years ago I was calorie counting obsessively myself so understand what a slippery slope that can become.

So I rarely bother taking her on when Jane starts talking about this. Mood depending, I will range from nodding once and changing the subject, giving a simple reply of "oh, be careful then" to just walking away. I've found that if you want to keep the friendship (or if you have to keep the peace) then the best way is to not fuss over such things.

When I was younger my sister had a friend who was exactly the same way. She would constantly complain of being "fat" and as everyone else gushed over her ribs that protruded from her chest, I merely agreed with her. Bad form I know, but since all she would do was sulk I learnt that not giving false sympathy is better for MY mental health. There are a lot of people that need my empathy, sympathy and pity and I plan to give them it all when needed.

My advice would be not to get into it. As I understand, a real person suffering from anorexia doesn't vocalise it so much, aren’t seen drinking Mountain Dew at 120cal per can or snacking on crisps and chocolate. People with Body Dysphoria don't carry around large make up bags and gush over their reflections all day and don’t wear revealing dresses on nights out.

I cannot change Jane – or slap her across the face – but I can take pride in how I can hold my tongue and nod along. I am going to monitor her eating patterns of course, be ready to act if she starts actually starving herself, but other than that (and ranting on here) I will just have to wait until she discovers another venue for us to get sucked into.

Nikki

The Sneak Peak...

To let you all know what to expect from this Blog I have written a list of just some my friends who I will be Blogging about. All names will be changed for piracy issues and of course our friendship sake. If there is any particularly ones that someone wants me to prioritise then feel free to comment and I will try my hardest to publish those first. 

• …who can’t have kids
• …who didn’t want kids
• …who has been married one year
• …who has the mother-in-law from hell
• …who is a cheater
• …who is a compulsive liar
• …who is a rock star
• …who is a womaniser
• …who is getting divorced
• …who is getting married in one year
• …who is in the turbulent relationship
• …who is the fake anorexic
• …who’s husband died last year
• …Who’s in a bad relationship
• …who’s in love with someone she isn’t allowed to be with
• …who’s boyfriend has cancer

The Introduction

As it seems to be an unstated traditon for the first post of a new Blogger to be that of an Introduction, I have thus named it such. For the last year I have been pondering what I could Blog about, wondering what I could offer the web that people may actually give a ting crap about. And as my fashion sense is probably something I should be jailed for and my romantic life consists of clingy men, stalkers and guys that are already in a relationship, I doubted I had anything to offer.

However recently I have been repeatedly told that I have a lot of friends that have a lot of drama (think something you'd find in a year's worth of soaps). This is very true: some drama is awful - like my friend dealing with her boyfriend's cancer, another getting divorced and one coping with the loss of her husband. Then there are the "Attention Seekers" such as one who is a fake anorexic or the complusive liar. And finally the rest whom are dealing with a little thing I call life.

So I'm mid way through my twenty-third year and my friends range from being teenage hormonal timebombs to thritysomething poeple who are trying so vainly to keep the status quo of what they believe to be the ideal norm. I am neither a soical butterfly - recently I've culled sixty friends from Facebook leaving me with well under one hundred - nor am I a caring sort of chap.

For example, one particular friend complains that she is fat. She is not (she's under the Attention Seeker category) and every time she complains or moans about such I have to hold my tongue. I only deal sympathy to thoes who are in need of it. 

So, I am going to tell the world about how I cope and handle being the "normal" (hardly) one of an immense and at times intense group of friends - and that sometimes, being just "a friend of a friend who..." can be a real turblant rollercoast ride all on its own.

Nikki